I Will
Some of you may know I am on staff with a high school leadership camp called LYS, and at LYS, we have a session called Dreams to Reality. In a nutshell, students reflect on their past, present, and future goals and how to overcome obstacles while taking steps toward achieving them. At the end of the session, everyone creates an "I Will" card stating a tangible goal they "will" do along with a time commitment that they will do it by.
Over the years, I have created, accomplished, and held onto a number of these "I Will" statements as reminders of where I want to go. One of my "I Will" statements that I wrote in high school reads "I will devote my life to full-time ministry by 2017". At the time, I thought I would go straight into ministry after college, but God had other plans for my first year out.
Instead, my first year out of college led me to teaching high school English in a rural, Title I school in South Louisiana with an organization called Teach for America. I am passionate about students, education, equity, and personal growth, but I will be the first to say that this year and context was the hardest I have ever experienced. The combination of being a first year teacher, moving to a new city, having a number of responsibilities for both my school and TFA, and being way too close in age to my under-performing, sass-talking students was a recipe for stress and burn out for a 23 year-old college grad.
Aside from the difficult and unforeseen circumstances of the job, I can truthfully say that I watched myself face challenges and realities about myself and my perception of the world, and I grew in more ways than I can explain. I have never been stretched, pushed, or humbled in the ways that I was this year; in the day-to-day moments it was horrible and draining, but the end result is one I do not resent and would never change.
However, through the challenge, I learned a lot about personal health - mental, physical, and social health. I was wearing myself thin thinking I was doing a "good thing" and putting so much of myself into my job, but there was little-to-no space for actual self-care that wasn't either tainted with obligation or worry-ridden with the next list of "to-do's". I traded my passion for students and growth for a pressure-driven obligation to a list of requirements and data. I watched my hope and self-belief soon turn into negative self-talk, anxiety, and hopelessness that there was not much I could do or change in such a systemic issue.
Most importantly to me though, I was faced with the hard reality that I didn't actually love teaching. It didn't take me long to realize that I loved the students. There was no doubt about that. My favorite moments of the day were the ones I got to spend talking to them in the cafeteria, hallway, at games, or before/after class time. I found my relationally-focused self getting close to students and then having my heart break for their situations, craving for positive attention, and need for Jesus - a lasting hope.
After months of pushing and reminding myself of all the "why"s in my being there, I could not deny my call to ministry and a life of hanging out with high school students with the intention of introducing them to a relationship with Jesus and helping them grow in their faith.
Although the time stamp of my "I Will" statement was a little off, the delay of my ministry job allowed me to experience a week at LYS with 10 of my students. I watched all of my hard work and relationship building inside my school's walls turn into watching my students conquer their fears and give self-written speeches in front of hundreds of people. I watched my shy, reserved, and insecure students with extreme social anxiety speak their voices and open up to total strangers - strangers who do not look or seem anything like them.
I watched my students cheer, dance, and scream their butts off. I watched them make friends and live on a college campus for a week. I watched them listen to politicians and Grammy Award-winning musicians with open ears, and most unexpectedly to me, I watched them give me some of the largest and tightest tear-filled hugs as the week came to a close.
In an empty LSU ballroom, my students and I circled up with our arms around each other, almost all of us with tears streaming down our faces in amazement at the week we had all just experienced together. Unfortunately, that was the only time I had to break the news to them that I would not be returning to their school next month. I told them that I had gotten a job offer in North Carolina, and that I did not see it coming at all, but I needed to take it.
I explained the wild ride of a summer I have had and how this job came about, but mostly I talked about how much I love them and how proud I am of them. I told them how thankful I am for my year at Donaldsonville and how thankful I am that 10 of them are going back to their school to be lights and leaders of positive change in a town that seems enclosed in darkness. I told them that my choice to pursue Young Life staff was an "I Will" statement and dream I had made a long time ago, when I was a camper just like them. We talked about pursuing your dreams and making strong and courageous, but hard, choices nonetheless. We all acknowledged that the Lindsey they witnessed this week at LYS was a much more confident, comfortable, and natural Lindsey than the Ms. Hayob they knew in my classroom.
In that moment, an "I Will" and "I Did" collided in one of the most proud and sure moments I've ever had. I was content in the "I did it", and I was encouraged and excited to show them that "I will" do it again.
So, like I told my students, I am moving to North Carolina next month to be a Staff Associate with Young Life - meaning, I will be getting to hang out with high schoolers in the cafeteria, hallway, at games, and at camp. I will be doing an entirely relational job that allows me to develop relationships with students who are craving attention, affection, and ultimately, Jesus. I have always wanted to be on Young Life staff; I have always wanted to live in the Carolinas, and I have always wanted to live on or near a lake.
Which makes the way in which this opportunity was delivered to my doorstep one that is undeniably divine and from a God who knows me and loves me. I went to camp in June with no idea what I would be doing in August and what plans God had for me. At camp, a camp I shouldn't have even been at, I met some of the greatest people I've ever met - people who cared for me, believed in me, wanted me, and acknowledged my giftings and skills for ministry. After many, many months of closed doors and "no"s from God to both them and me, the opportunity to join them in Lake Norman finally felt like a "yes". They asked me to join their staff a few weeks ago, and it was one of the easiest and most peaceful yes's I have felt in a long time.
It does not come without an overwhelming amount of hard goodbyes, unknowns, and what if's, but God has given me a lot of promises and hopes that keep propelling me to take a step off the edge and into one giant trust fall.
After a year in the valley, I am headed to the mountains. I'm sure there will be a lot of challenges, climbing, and adjusting to do. I'm certain it will not be easy, and I am still confused, mad, and aggravated at God that His timeline and asking of me is not exactly what I had in mind, but I am having to hold on to the reminders that no man is an island, and He has never failed me yet.
To those of you who have loved me, supported me, picked me up, and kept me afloat in the chaos of this year, I can't thank you enough. To those of you who met me where I was and invited me on the adventure I have been praying and waiting for, thank you for seeing me and extending a hand to me. To those of you who know and give to the Louisiana Youth Seminar (LYS), thank you for instilling in me the courage to pursue dreams, the opportunity to invite students into the family, and the skills needed to turn my dreams to reality.
Until I say "I Did",
Lindsey
Over the years, I have created, accomplished, and held onto a number of these "I Will" statements as reminders of where I want to go. One of my "I Will" statements that I wrote in high school reads "I will devote my life to full-time ministry by 2017". At the time, I thought I would go straight into ministry after college, but God had other plans for my first year out.
Instead, my first year out of college led me to teaching high school English in a rural, Title I school in South Louisiana with an organization called Teach for America. I am passionate about students, education, equity, and personal growth, but I will be the first to say that this year and context was the hardest I have ever experienced. The combination of being a first year teacher, moving to a new city, having a number of responsibilities for both my school and TFA, and being way too close in age to my under-performing, sass-talking students was a recipe for stress and burn out for a 23 year-old college grad.
Aside from the difficult and unforeseen circumstances of the job, I can truthfully say that I watched myself face challenges and realities about myself and my perception of the world, and I grew in more ways than I can explain. I have never been stretched, pushed, or humbled in the ways that I was this year; in the day-to-day moments it was horrible and draining, but the end result is one I do not resent and would never change.
However, through the challenge, I learned a lot about personal health - mental, physical, and social health. I was wearing myself thin thinking I was doing a "good thing" and putting so much of myself into my job, but there was little-to-no space for actual self-care that wasn't either tainted with obligation or worry-ridden with the next list of "to-do's". I traded my passion for students and growth for a pressure-driven obligation to a list of requirements and data. I watched my hope and self-belief soon turn into negative self-talk, anxiety, and hopelessness that there was not much I could do or change in such a systemic issue.
Most importantly to me though, I was faced with the hard reality that I didn't actually love teaching. It didn't take me long to realize that I loved the students. There was no doubt about that. My favorite moments of the day were the ones I got to spend talking to them in the cafeteria, hallway, at games, or before/after class time. I found my relationally-focused self getting close to students and then having my heart break for their situations, craving for positive attention, and need for Jesus - a lasting hope.
After months of pushing and reminding myself of all the "why"s in my being there, I could not deny my call to ministry and a life of hanging out with high school students with the intention of introducing them to a relationship with Jesus and helping them grow in their faith.
Although the time stamp of my "I Will" statement was a little off, the delay of my ministry job allowed me to experience a week at LYS with 10 of my students. I watched all of my hard work and relationship building inside my school's walls turn into watching my students conquer their fears and give self-written speeches in front of hundreds of people. I watched my shy, reserved, and insecure students with extreme social anxiety speak their voices and open up to total strangers - strangers who do not look or seem anything like them.
In an empty LSU ballroom, my students and I circled up with our arms around each other, almost all of us with tears streaming down our faces in amazement at the week we had all just experienced together. Unfortunately, that was the only time I had to break the news to them that I would not be returning to their school next month. I told them that I had gotten a job offer in North Carolina, and that I did not see it coming at all, but I needed to take it.
I explained the wild ride of a summer I have had and how this job came about, but mostly I talked about how much I love them and how proud I am of them. I told them how thankful I am for my year at Donaldsonville and how thankful I am that 10 of them are going back to their school to be lights and leaders of positive change in a town that seems enclosed in darkness. I told them that my choice to pursue Young Life staff was an "I Will" statement and dream I had made a long time ago, when I was a camper just like them. We talked about pursuing your dreams and making strong and courageous, but hard, choices nonetheless. We all acknowledged that the Lindsey they witnessed this week at LYS was a much more confident, comfortable, and natural Lindsey than the Ms. Hayob they knew in my classroom.
In that moment, an "I Will" and "I Did" collided in one of the most proud and sure moments I've ever had. I was content in the "I did it", and I was encouraged and excited to show them that "I will" do it again.
So, like I told my students, I am moving to North Carolina next month to be a Staff Associate with Young Life - meaning, I will be getting to hang out with high schoolers in the cafeteria, hallway, at games, and at camp. I will be doing an entirely relational job that allows me to develop relationships with students who are craving attention, affection, and ultimately, Jesus. I have always wanted to be on Young Life staff; I have always wanted to live in the Carolinas, and I have always wanted to live on or near a lake.
Which makes the way in which this opportunity was delivered to my doorstep one that is undeniably divine and from a God who knows me and loves me. I went to camp in June with no idea what I would be doing in August and what plans God had for me. At camp, a camp I shouldn't have even been at, I met some of the greatest people I've ever met - people who cared for me, believed in me, wanted me, and acknowledged my giftings and skills for ministry. After many, many months of closed doors and "no"s from God to both them and me, the opportunity to join them in Lake Norman finally felt like a "yes". They asked me to join their staff a few weeks ago, and it was one of the easiest and most peaceful yes's I have felt in a long time.
It does not come without an overwhelming amount of hard goodbyes, unknowns, and what if's, but God has given me a lot of promises and hopes that keep propelling me to take a step off the edge and into one giant trust fall.
After a year in the valley, I am headed to the mountains. I'm sure there will be a lot of challenges, climbing, and adjusting to do. I'm certain it will not be easy, and I am still confused, mad, and aggravated at God that His timeline and asking of me is not exactly what I had in mind, but I am having to hold on to the reminders that no man is an island, and He has never failed me yet.
To those of you who have loved me, supported me, picked me up, and kept me afloat in the chaos of this year, I can't thank you enough. To those of you who met me where I was and invited me on the adventure I have been praying and waiting for, thank you for seeing me and extending a hand to me. To those of you who know and give to the Louisiana Youth Seminar (LYS), thank you for instilling in me the courage to pursue dreams, the opportunity to invite students into the family, and the skills needed to turn my dreams to reality.
Until I say "I Did",
Lindsey
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